Lullaby for a Stormy Night
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: Jonny and Jac fic
1. Chapter 1

**I have been absolutely useless recently - but I've had writers block and just not been able to write :( and this is literally the first thing I've managed to write in weeks that I've not immediately ended up trashing. This was originally a one-shot (which was planned ages ago) but has kinda morphed in to something else - which is nearly completely written. I hope it's ok :)**

_This is set kinda between Mens Sana in Corpore Sano and Make or Break ( I think - it's around there anyway - definitely before the baby reveal on Darwin!)_

"Ah come on Jac" The Scottish nurse steps through the doorway of her office, a quick cursory glance telling him that they are alone. He allows the door to close behind him, hoping that for a time at least it will deter anyone from disturbing them. He turns his attention back to the red headed consultant, watching as she settles herself in her desk chair. She fixes him with a stare, one which he is all too familiar with, but which no longer scares him as it does others.

"Just go away Jonny" her tone is bored, but he detects something beneath that; a weariness. She turns her attention away from him, instead looking towards her computer screen. She fixes her face to a picture of concentration but he is doubtful that she is even taking in what is in front of her eyes. Still he knows it is a valiant attempt, and it would fool many but not him, not now.

"We need to talk" he comes closer to her. He has spent much of the shift trying to engage her in conversation, following her around Darwin ward while she has tried so desperately to evade him. He doesn't like having to do this, indeed he worries that he could be causing her undue stress which is the last thing she needs. From his new vantage point, he can see just how drawn she is looking. She is always pale, but her pallor now is deathly. She heaves a sigh, and draws her eyes from the screen. She acts as though he is distracting her from something important, a raised eyebrow challenges him.

"No we don't" her voice is sharp, a dismissal of his presence but he stands firm. She twists her lips together, studying him. He can almost see the way her mind is working, trying to come up with a sarcastic comment.

"Well it's not like we're having a baby together or anything" he runs a hand through his hair and frowns. He had thought they were making progress, they were civil on the ward bordering on friendly at times and yet now she seems to have returned to the perma-frost.

"Just leave it" there's a warning note in her voice, and it heightens his concern for her. The little niggling worries that have been plaguing him spring to the forefront of his mind, as her words echo in his ears.

"Is something … wrong?" he speaks hesitantly. She processes the question, as if it's much more complicated than he'd intended it to be. Finally, and with a degree of uncertainty she shakes her head.

"No it's nothing like that" she speaks the confirmation; her words have a forced confidence that she does not feel.

"Then why won't you talk about it? Why won't you talk about the fact we are having a baby, and that in what 7 months we are going to be parents?" he speaks in a rush. All of those worries still dance in his mind, he's been dreading this. She has darted back and forth between what he thinks is acceptance before return to, what seems to him, to be a state of denial. Even though they are in the empty office, he sees the way her eyes dart around for anyone who could have overheard his words, the inane worry about people finding out about their child.

"Not now Jonny" but he cannot let this go now. He thinks of his own feelings, he's scared certainly; the idea that he'll be, at least, partly responsible for the care of a dependent being is quite an overwhelming concept and yet he is excited. He has always wanted a family, and he cannot quite wait for the moment when his baby is placed in to his arms; the moment when he will become a dad.

"We need to talk about this" he implores her, his hands rested on her desk. He remembers how once he had told Mo that Jac was the least maternal person he has ever known, and now this is coming back to haunt him. It scares him that even now she could take this away from him, and he would be powerless to stop her. There is a part of him that has been expecting this to happen, the time when her commitment to this, their child, falters and she realises what she would potentially be giving up. He has dreaded the moment when she chooses her career over a child.

"Not here, not now" it is a slight victory for him, she has at least not denied him this time but it feels hollow. There is a edge of defeat in her tone, and he knows that in reality she is doing it simply to placate him.

"My place then, tonight" he jumps quickly, making the offer. She blinks surprised, but she should have known. She twists her lips considering, trying to come up with an excuse for why she cannot come.

"I really don't think .." she falters, she hadn't quite thought it through and now she doesn't know what words should come next. He gives her a smile.

"I'll cook" there's something endearing about his face as he makes the offer, a charm that she loves and hates about him in equal measure. She frowns, "I bet you're not eating properly"

"What?" she sounds a little affronted at his accusation, like she cannot take care of herself and any softening she had felt towards his charm deserts her as her defences kick in. He smiles once more, and she wishes for a moment that she could wipe it from his face.

"I've seen you on the ward, Jac, you're eating donuts and biscuits like there's no tomorrow, but I bet you haven't had a decent meal in weeks" his answer is reasoned, "I know you, you'd tell me you're too busy to cook because of work, and because of the baby you're too tired when you get home anyway, so I'll cook you something tonight" he knows her all too well, and somehow his charm is once again working on her. She blames the shifting hormones that mean she cannot quite hold on to the annoyance she'd been feeling towards him. The baby already siding with its father, she presumes.

"There's not much point"

"Still suffering with sickness?" It surprises him a little, he'd become used to seeing her dash to the toilets that he noted when it had no longer been a regular occurrence. He had put the pallor of her skin down to her tiredness. She considers shaking her head and denying it, she's been trying not to let him in, knowing it'll only lead to him crowding her with his concern – but she feels backed in to a corner now. Slowly she nods her head.

"It's worse at night" the words are soft, as if she doesn't quite want him to hear them. The feelings of nausea still plague her during the day but for the most part she is able to control it, and she has somehow become more astute at hiding her escape to the ladies when she's unable to do so. Apparently, she now realises, she has been less clever with hiding the fact she has an insatiable craving for sweet things and carbs.

"Maybe if you ate something proper, it would help – and if not I'll be there to hold your hair"

"Fine"

"You mean you'll come?" There's barely concealed excitement in his tone, like a small child who has gotten his own way. Though, as she realises, he pretty much has.

"I said fine didn't I?"

"Do you want me to wait for you and drive?"

"I'll make my own way"

"Ok, around 8 at mine then?"

"around 8" she repeats his words, and he smiles. She shoos him with her hand, and knowing that he has already gotten far more than he could have hoped – and not wanting her to change her mind – he disappears back out on to the ward.

* * *

He is ready for her by 6 having pretty much raced home after his shift. He had been distracted for most of his remaining hours, having struggled to decide what he actually would cook for her before settling on a meal he remembered his auntie recommending his sister ate during pregnancy when she could stomach only a small number of foods. He knew there was no real need, but he found himself smarting himself up for her, ensuring that for once his hair was most definitely under control and that his clothes were most definitely not creased. In fact looking at himself in the mirror, he had declared himself to be most presentable before laughing and referring to himself as a twat.

He finds himself checking everything, somehow wanting things to be perfect. He paces, trying to burn off some of the nervous energy before she turns up. When his doorbell rings, his heart leaps in to his throat and he finds himself glancing at his watch. Surprised to see that it is only just gone 7. He hadn't expected her to be this early, but he silently commends himself for being prepared – though he knows that being ready two hours beforehand is bordering on excessively early.

He checks himself, and has a cursory glance around the room to ensure that nothing has dared spring from its rightful place. Satisfied, he allows himself a smile before making his way to the door. The bell rings again, and his heart rate increases. He reaches out and allows the door to open, stepping backwards slightly.

He looks up, and startles slightly to find his gaze meeting a pair of doe eyes and a face split wide with a smile. For a moment he takes in the figure laden down with bags before she launches herself at him, arms wrapped tightly around his body. Stiffly he hugs her back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hopefully this is ok, and thank you to anyone who reads / reviews :) **

"What're you doing here?" He asks the question almost as soon as she has released his body, and based on the hurt expression that passes across her face, he is near certain he has been overly harsh in his delivery. She purses her lips and shifts one of the bags slightly.

"I need a favour" her voice is pleading, and it's one he remembers all too well. In days of old, she had played on the innocence of her appearance, how it made her all the harder to resist and say no too. Only now, she is older and cannot quite do things as she once had, but all the same she is still skilled. She still knows how to play people.

"No way, not tonight" He shakes his head as he speaks. He knows he should invite her in, that having a woman on the doorstep, her body slightly stooping with the weight of her load, is not the gentlemanly thing to do but he just wants her gone, he needs her gone before Jac gets here.

"Bu' Jonny" she widens her eyes, and forces her lips downwards in to a frown. The little girl lost look, hadn't she once upon a time used this to wheedle free sweets from unknowing shopkeepers? But now she is trying to manipulate him with it, only he is much wiser to her than those people had been.

"No buts" he tries to be firm with her.

"Don't you even want to hear me out, to know what I want?" she shifts herself again, making light of the fact she is struggling with the bags. He tries not to notice but it is getting all the hard, she is small but he also knows she is strong.

"I can't tonight" he is panicked, he isn't sure how Jac will react to this and he doesn't want to find out. He doubts she would give him time to explain, "isn't there someone else that can help you?" he knows it is most likely a stupid question. Even racking his brains he cannot think of anyone else in the area she is likely to know. The fact she is standing in his doorway means that she has come specifically to see him.

"You're the only one" she confirms his thoughts. He sighs.

"Why tonight?" he isn't sure the question is entirely meant for her but he asks it anyway, watching as her expression changes. He sees her stretch her neck, peering in to the room, her nostrils twitching slightly as she comes to note the smell of something cooking.

"You've got a girl here" there's a hint of amusement, of surprise in her voice as she makes the assessment.

"No, it's not like that" his answer comes quickly, too quickly and she laughs.

"Oh you've finally done it then?" the smile dances on her face now, the favour forgotten as she latches on to this new idea. The source of her sudden mirth. He raises an eyebrow in question and she giggles once more, it's a girlish giggle, "come out, oh Jonny" if it wasn't for the bags, he thinks she'd probably be clapping her hands in joy.

"No, no" he is quick to protect but she is no longer listening.

"Well there were always rumours but you've always been such a ladies man, you hid it well" she laughs slightly "well sort of, oh Cass is going to be thrilled, she's been saying it for years but well y'know with everything most people told her she was mad"

"I am not gay" he is slightly more forceful this time and she pauses for a second, looking at him.

"Then who the hell are you trying to impress if it's not a girl, and it's not a bloke" she shakes her head, flashing him a smile like she has won something.

"Just drop it yeah?" he isn't in the mood for this, he had forgotten how quickly she would switch and the games she would play, "and don't you dare go spreading rumours about me being gay back home" she pouts

"Spoilsport, and the place could do with some livening up – some good old fashioned gossip" she grins once more.

"Surely you're too old for all of this crap?"

"Probably" she shrugs, not quite caring, "but sometimes it's fun to pretend, just like old times – or have you forgotten what it was like?"

"I've grown up" is all he can bring himself to say. Of course he remembers, the wild days of his youth but that was a long time ago now and he has changed.

"I know" she has sobered now and she flashes him an apologetic smile, "we all have" she sounds sad, more so than he's ever known her to be. The girl who had been here moments before he realises is an act, protecting him from seeing the woman she has become.

"Kimi?" He forces himself to think about the last time he'd seen her, it has to have been a couple of years and he curses himself for that. He has left behind so much of his old life, that he has neglected so many people.

"I just need you to do this for me" she places the bags down, and he bites his lip to stop himself from saying anything. It comes to him now that the last time he would have seen her was the day of Cal's funeral. It had been strange being back there, to see Kim supposedly settled, she had seemed happy. He had been glad of that. Of all the people he had left behind it was her who had affected him the most, he'd felt guilty that he was abandoning her but being back and seeing the person she'd become resolved him of some of that. Or he had been, and then he'd found himself escaping once more back to the sanctuary that was Mo, leaving her once more. Only it was different this time.

"I need you to have the girls Jonny" she looks at him, eyes wide once more. He wants to protest but he can't. She has already started to walk away leaving the bags at his feet, knowing he has little choice he follows her.


	3. Chapter 3

**I hope this is ok and thank you to anyone who is reading :) **

His heart rate quickens as he tries to keep pace with Kim. Relieved of the burden of the bags, she moves surprisingly quickly down over the stairs, away from his flat. He glances down at his watch, it's just gone half 7 – there's still time for him to sort this, only now he has absolutely no idea how. He finally catches her at the doorway to the building, his arm coming up to grab hers, to prevent her from opening the doorway and moving out in to the car park.

"I'm not sure I can do this" His voice is shaky, and she turns to look at him, she tilts her head slightly to one side, studying him. The way her lips twitch tells him she is considering her response, how to play the cards she holds close to her chest. For a moment she glances away from him, out in to the car park before her gaze returns to his face.

"I don't ask for much Jonny" her voice is small as she looks up to him, her face – for once – earnest. He wonders for a moment how hard it has to have been for her to come here. He knows it is his own fault, that he pushed away her attempts at contact – ignored phone-calls and e-mails until they had simply stopped coming. He thinks of the girls, of how much of this they understand or what they must think of him.

"I know" his response comes quietly, guiltily.

"They miss you" she offers him a small smile but the words cause him pain. He imagines she hadn't intended it that way, that perhaps it was a way of showing him that he can do this. Only it increases his guilt all the more. The realisation that the way he has acted impacts them, just as much as it has their mother.

"They barely know me" he swallows hard, as he speaks the harsh truth. He watches as a shadow passes over Kim's face.

"It's not been that long" the words come out in a whisper, but he knows it is her vain attempt at cajoling him in to this. He forces himself to think back to the day when he last saw them, the day they had visited with his aunt and granny. He had hugged them both goodbye and assured them that he would visit soon, that perhaps they might even go on holiday together. He had watched as their faces had been split wide with smiles that he felt he hadn't earned. He had watched them be driven away, a sense of guilt settling in his chest as he'd reflected on the day.

"Kimi" he is pleading with her once more, and he sees the exasperation in her face.

"They love you Jonny" she shakes her head, "and for some stupid reason, I even encourage it. I make excuses for you and tell them stories about the old days, to keep you present for them and now I just need you to look after them for one night – that's all, one night, probably thirteen hours or so – that's what the length of a nightshift for you"

He nods, swallowing hard once more.

"It's not that long Jonny, and besides they'll sleep for most of it" she gives him a smile, "they've worn themselves out on the journey, singing every song they know repeatedly while somehow still managing to ask 'are we there yet?' at least every five minutes" her smiles widens slightly as she talks, and for a moment that stabbing pain returns to his chest as he considers how he has missed all of this, how he doesn't even know what their favourite songs are.

"You could've given me some warning" there is a defeated edge to his voice, something bordering on acceptance that this is happening. She rolls her eyes and gives him a look that he finds altogether frighteningly similar to Jac's. She laughs for a second, and shakes her head.

"I'm not that stupid - give you that chance to run away" the words leave her mouth and almost instantly she regrets them, he recoils slightly but forces himself to recover. He forces a smile to his lips, an attempt to show her it's alright.

"I just mean I don't have anything prepared, I don't even know what they like" again Kim rolls her eyes.

"And I prepared for that, the bags should contain everything you need for one night" she laughs once more "though I didn't quite get as far as packing the kitchen sink, I presumed you would at least have one of those" he too laughs now, if it wasn't for this situation, for everything that had passed between them this could almost have been like old times between them. It almost – just almost – makes him miss those days, to miss her.

"And if I can't do it?" there is a panicked edge to his voice. He curses himself for the way he is feeling, curses even more when the image of Jac appears in his mind. If she were to see him in this state, surely it would bring to a head all of those thoughts he feared were coursing through her mind. The mere thought of Jac, added to this situation, sends his heart rate higher. He is nearly certain that if a monitor was attached to his finger it would emit a wild bleeping at the sky-high rate of his heart, that had he been a hospital patient he would be scoring horrifically to the point of requiring an emergency team call.

"Then you can call that friend of yours – I presume she is still just a friend" he thinks of Mo, of how she has bailed him out so many times. But he isn't sure what she can do here, bar him palming the girls off on her and somehow he knows he wouldn't do it. That he couldn't place that burden on her, particularly when he wouldn't be sticking around to help her. He'd return to his flat, to Jac and leave his friend once more trying to fix a mess he has created.

"She's not around" he feels guilty about the lie, and yet it came easily. He sees the surprised way in which Kim's eyebrow arches at the admission, the momentary look of confusion that passes over her face. "She's just busy is all"

"Guess I'm lucky you're not huh?" there is something about Kim's face, about the look in her eye, "look Jonny, I have to be going"

"Kimi" he glances to his watch, he still has fifteen minutes. He isn't sure what he is trying to do now, in some many ways he is trying to delay Kim leaving him and yet he desperately needs her to go.

"Jonny" she draws out his name, before she slips from his grasp, "you know I wouldn't ask unless I had too" she doesn't give him time to respond, instead she steps out in to the carpark. A whoosh of cold air hits him before the door closes, separating the pair of them. Her words swirl around his mind, a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach as he processes them. It shouldn't be this way. He watches as he figure retreats. Hesitantly, he pulls open the door and steps in to the night, retracing the path she has walked. He forces himself to draw air in to his lungs, in to hopes of steadying himself, of somehow affecting an air of calm but each step only serves to increase his panic. He steps dead when he hears two voices shout 'mummy' in unison.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hopefully this is ok as I think this part is quite fill-ery but then I wasn't sure how to get from this to the next bit without it. **

He has to move, and yet his feet seem to be stuck firmly to the concrete. He knows that Kim is talking, probably the girls are too but his ears no longer appear to be functioning correctly. If anything he feels like his entire body is shutting down, that he could melt down in to the ground beneath his feet, until he is nothing more than a puddle. If he was honest with himself, this was probably what he wanted.

"Jonny" the sound that reaches his ears is more of a hiss than a word, like the blowing of the wind on as he blinks, his senses awakening, he realises that everything around him is still, too still. A bolt of ice cold slices the length of his spine and involuntarily he startles. She sees Kim's face turned towards him, her eyes flashing.

He finds he doesn't need to take another step, almost without notice something bowls in to his legs and he looks down to see a small child clutching at him. Her head is tilted upwards and the sight of her takes him by surprise. He had forgotten how startling the girls appearance could be, how they resembled his sisters with just the merest hint of Kim. The girl is monkey-like in the way she seems to be attempted to clamber up his body and with unsure arms he bends to lift her up against his chest.

"Missed you" she speaks the words as she nestles her face against him, her arms gripping him tightly. The weight of her in his arms has increased from what he remembers, and that scares him. She is no longer a baby or a toddler but a child.

"Missed you more" a second pummeling against his legs almost knocks him flying, and he grips on slightly tighter to the child in his arms before gazing down to look at her sister. They have not lost the identicalness of their features though a quick assessment tells him they are at least wearing different coloured clothing. He wonders, had things worked out differently would he be able to note the subtle differences in the girls, he is near certain he'd be able to and yet he currently has no clue who he holds and who he is looking down at.

He lowers himself so that he is level with the second child, at one point he would have lifted them both with ease but now he is not quite sure he can manage it. There is a too greater chance that he has lost the knack of doing so and they would end up in some sort of pile on the ground. He lowers the child in his arms to the ground, ensuring she is stood before he wraps them both in his arms.

"I missed you too" the words come hoarsely and then he releases them and takes a moment to look at the two faces before him. For a moment his vision swims before he hastily blinks away the tears, not wanting them to see. He looks up to see how Kim is studying this reunion, the strange look of her face that he doesn't understand. "I suppose you'll be off" he pulls himself in to a standing position.

"You girls are gonna be good right?" she ignores his question. Two bodies spin away from him to look to their mother, he sees the frantic nodding of their heads before they rush in to her arms. She lowers herself as he had and places a kiss on their foreheads. "I'll see you tomorrow" she whispers.

"Bye mummy" they tilt their faces for another kiss which she willingly provides before they wrap their arms around her body once more. She squeezes them tightly before she releases their bodies and stands up once more. The girls spin on their heels and run in the direction of his building. He turns to follow them.

"Jonny wait" he turns his body back to face her, just as she shouts out for the girls to wait at the door. He comes closer to where she is standing as she gently closes the rear door of the car. She leans closer to him "Jessie's in yellow, Georgie's in green – don't let them tell you otherwise" she whispers the words though the girls are out of earshot, and he smiles.

"Thank you" He looks back at the two figures hopping about in front of the doorway. It's a small act of kindness on her part, saving him the embarrassment of having to ask the girls which is which, when he should be able to tell. She nods her head as he turns back, "I'll see you tomorrow Kim" he starts to walk away from her.

"Jonny" she says his name quickly, a slightly panicked edge to her words and the sight of his retreating back, "There's something you've forgotten" the words come in a rush and she sees the way he spins around. The look of his face shows that he is unimpressed, and she takes a deep breath before she opens the passenger door of her car, "Jonny I'm sorry" she speaks so quietly that he almost doesn't here, but a sense of dread threatens to consume him. Apologies have never really been Kim's thing, in that respect she is rather like Jac.

"Kimi?" concern laces his tone but she doesn't turn back to look at him, instead she busies herself inside of the car. He wonders if there is another bag to come, more paraphernalia to care for two children over one night when the bags upstairs already seem a tad excessive. Finally she withdraws her body and looks in to his face, she steps backwards, and his eyes widen as a car seat is thrust towards his body. Instinctively he manages to force his arms outwards to grasp it before it drops to the ground.

"Everything you need is in the bags" she says the words as she moves over to the drivers side of the car. He looks to the sleeping infant, trying to force himself to take it in and yet his brain no longer seems to be working. Only there is something in this that frightens him all the more and he looks up at her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks the question but she simply shakes her head as she climbs in to her car. She mouths words he cannot understand before she drives away, leaving him there clutching the car seat.


	5. Chapter 5

**For some reason I have really struggled to write this part, but I'm hoping from here on in will be easier :-) I'm really hoping this ends up as something resembling fluff (as that was the original intention :-D )**

He doesn't quite know how he manages to get from the car park back up to his flat, nor how he has managed to shepherd the twins to do the same given he is certain he has spoken no words. He knows he is awkward with the car seat containing the sleeping cargo. He treats it cautiously, as though it were a bomb about to explode, that a single jolt could cause it to detonate; the sleeping being awoken and through fierce, angry cries it would alert the world to its presence. With any luck, he hopes it'll stay asleep.

He carries it through his flat, before he places it down on to the floor by the wall. It's hidden in darkness, but a brief look tells him that the being is still asleep, lost in the world of dreams. He turns away from it then, and looks to see the twins hovering next to the bags. He walks slowly, back over to them before he drags the luggage fully in to the room. The weight of them surprises him and he wonders how on earth Kim had managed to drag them up the stairs given the life, as per usual, was broken. Perhaps Kim is used to this, that this weight is the norm when you become a parent. The normal weight of your bag increased ten-fold with the belongings of someone so much smaller than you. But still it makes little sense to him. Such small people should never require so much stuff for a single night, but he cannot consider the alternative; that Kim had lied and this would extend beyond the night.

He feels the slight ache in his arms from dragging those bags, and again he thinks of how she had managed to get them to his door. He isn't certain he could have done it himself, though he knows, if you are desperate enough, you can push the body beyond its normal boundaries. He thinks of the times he has pushed his own limits; he has done it for good pushing himself beyond the brink of exhaustion in order to save a life, and how he has done it for bad.

"Is something burning?" he is pulled from his own thoughts by a small voice. He blinks rapidly before his eyes focus and he sees two faces peering at him, noses wrinkled slightly in disgust. His senses came to life and he knows the child who spoke to be correct; the meal he had tried to prepare so perfectly has been ruined. He moves to his cooker and switches off the heat and frowns. So much is going wrong.

He looks at the mess that is the meal, and how there is no way he can now serve it to her. It's a one way ticket to a night huddled in front of the toilet to her, just the smell of it would probably do it – let alone the sight or the taste. Twisting his lips, he wonders was it already ruined before the interruption and he had failed to notice, a sign that this night was destined for failure.

"You're sad" he turns back to see the twins have come closer. They look confused, slightly concerned and a little on the sad side as they take in his face. He wishes he had the words to speak to them, he doesn't quite know how to deal with them and yet he knows how at ease he can be with children but with these beautiful girls he appears to have lost the ability. He thinks of the small child they'd had on the ward, the day he'd discovered that Jac was pregnant and he was to be a father. That little girl had settled so comfortably in his arms, and he had adored spending time with her, acting the clown and bringing that smile to her lips, the bubble of laughter. He'd relished the opportunity to have her during the operation, something that hadn't come to be in the end, but he'd been an all too willing babysitter.

"Aren't you happy we've come to stay?" a small voice, a bit lip that quavers slightly tugs at his heart. It sickens him how he is feeling now, and the knowledge that Jac is coming and that she is carrying his baby. Oh how excited he has been for his future child, the one who he imagines to have her mother's red hair and their shared green eyes. He is still so excited for that future, but the sight of two faces before him forces it back behind the bile that has risen in his throat.

"I just .." he frowns how to explain to the girls that he wasn't expecting this, that he cannot quite explain how he feels because it makes no sense to him. He glances to his watch – time is ticking down and he knows is running out. Now there is no longer the option of phoning her, and putting her off coming. She'd been driving now and wouldn't answer her mobile. Besides which if he put her off now, he could almost guarantee she would never agree again. He'd have destroyed his chance, and proved those twisted thoughts of hers correct.

Two pairs of eyes search his face. He feels them judging him, but he knows in reality he is judging himself more than they are. He sees lips turned downwards, and eyes dimmed as two girls come to realise that what they had been told was not the reality. Had they been excited to see him, he is near certain based on the greeting he'd received and now he has let them down, once more. That is all he is good for. It is all he has ever done, though he'd hoped he'd changed. He'd honestly believed that he'd started down a new path; that things were going to be different. The future before him had seemed bright; a new life and a potential for a new family.

"I'm tired" one voice speaks finally, though his unfocused eyes cannot tell which twin.

"me too" the second follows, voice slightly quieter than her sisters but still audible. He doesn't hear tiredness in either tone but he is grateful. He wonders if they are feigning a need for sleep in order to escape this room, and him, that once they are hidden away they will engage with each other until finally they do indeed need to rest their heads. He is thankful regardless, the girls offering him what he needs.

"My rooms through here, you'll have to share my bed mind" the words are stilted, emotionless and he wishes it were different. He swallows hard trying to right himself, trying to convince himself that this is merely shock and fear and not the real him. He drags with him the bags, leaving them at the foot of his bed. Wordlessly he is followed by two girls, who clamber on to the bed.

"Can you find bunny?" his slightly more focused eyes tell him that the child in yellow has spoken. Jessie. He tells himself. He forces a smile.

"Do you know which bag?" the words are still stilted, awkward. The smile feels fake on his lips though he tries so desperately to maintain it.

"The orange backpack" she answers, though she makes no move to get the bag herself.

"I need puppy" Georgie speaks this time, and he nods. Kneeling beside the bag, he opens it to find an assortment of toys, presumably favourites of the girls that had been shoved inside in haste. He digs through the contents until finally he pulls free one fluffy rabbit and one fluffy dog. He hold them in his hands for a second, as he looks to the creatures he holds. Both animals are well loved, slightly balding in places and with replacement features.

"I got you these" the words come softly, more naturally too. He feels the soft fur against his skin. He can remember so clearly the day he had bought them, and yet it is a memory that has been lost to him for some time. It surprises him to an extent that the toys still exist, that they are still wanted.

"We know" voices speak together and he looks up. He forces himself to stand, and passes an animal to each child. He barely looks as he passes them over, some sort of instinct taking over and ensuring the right child was given the correct toy.

"You'll be ok in here?" he thinks he can hear the doorbell ringing, and his heart rate increase. Two small heads nod but no voices answer him, "I'll be just out here, if you need anything" he adds, though he hopes, prays to some higher being, that they won't. Again two heads nod, and he makes his way from the room.

"Mummy said he'd be happy" he hears the soft, sad voice as he goes to close over his bedroom door, and guilt floods him for a second.

"Maybe it's Meggie, maybe he doesn't like her?" is the answer that he hears just as the door clicks closed. He doesn't understand. The doorbell rings more insistently, and he walks towards it. He cannot quite comprehend who Meggie is, the only Meg he knows of is his granny and he doubts either of the girls who be so daring as to call her by that name. He recalls how once he had done so, and how he had been left with the knowledge never to do so again. She was Granny to her face, Granny Maconie if you were identifying her from your other granny but to her face she was never Granny Meg. He had once said he would honour his beloved granny by including her name in that of his first daughter. He can almost hear her teasing voice telling him that 'Granny is no name for a wee girl'. He smiles at the thought, though he is not certain that Jac would even agree. It is one of those subjects to be broached, though today – he feels – probably isn't the night. Not when he is already losing so heavily.

He pulls open the door, to find an irate Jac standing before him.

"Were you planning on leaving me on your doorstep all night long?" she demands of him as she pushes her way inside, "you invite me over and then don't seem to be in any hurry to let me in, so what do you have to say for yourself?" he closes the door and turns to face her.

"I'm sorry" he tries the words, and from the expression on her face, he is certain they were the wrong ones. Running a hand through his hair, he suddenly gets the impression that this is going to be a long night.


End file.
